Jarret Thomas
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Genius Food Hacks Every Lazy Person Will Love

Don't get burned literally or figuratively thanks to food hacks that'll save you time and money!

My dad, Devon Thomas, used to be very controlling and wouldn't let me cook at his place even though he owned one of the best toaster ovens to make meals easy.  You end up at the hospital one time because you burned all ten of your fingers grabbing a hot plate and suddenly you're not allowed to cook! Luckily, the woman he's been seeing, Chica Reyass, has been as soothing to his soul as half-and-half in black coffee. He's eased up enough that I can cook. That catch is, I have to make use of food hacks every lazy person will love. 

Make one pan meals.

The less surface area there is for me to touch, the less likely I am to get burned. All I do is throw all my ingredients into a single oven-safe container and then bake it. This also makes storage and cleanup easy. If this isn't one of the genius food hacks, I don't know what is! And I already have experience with this type of cooking because my dad and I have been making 10 more of the best tinfoil camping recipes. And I've yet to burn my hands on the campsite! Although, we did have a bear scare (it ended up being a trash bag caught in the wind). 

Open cans with fridge magnets.

I've managed to bleed into a lot of cans of tuna. No more! Thanks to food hacks like this one, I can make dinner without getting light headed (I'm on blood thinners because I'm predisposed to blood clots. I know, it's a lot for a 9th grader!). After you open your can, use the fridge magnet to lift it up. And, walla! You don't have to lay on the couch with your arm held over your head while your blood slowly coagulates. 

Use frozen vegetables.

Fresh veggies are a race against the clock, but frozen ones are just as good and last longer. You do the math! Unless you're 100% certain you're going to be cooking ASAP, just go with frozen. You can put them on a baking pan, sprinkle some seasoning and olive oil (or cooking spray) on top, and, voilà, you got yourself a side dish or a straight up dinner!

Make bacon in the oven.

This is another great food hack: make bacon in the oven. No mess and the clean up is easy if you line your pan with tinfoil. What I like to do is make some extra crispy strips and then put them into the best canned Bloody Marys as a garnish. My dad lets me drink so long as he's supervising. 

Use a cheese grater on vegetables.

Just use a cheese grater if you need chopped onions, garlic, ginger, etc. It's super easy! Just make sure you don't accidentally grate your fingers while doing it, especially if you're on anti-coagulants like Xarelto. And if you have a lot of little grated things for a recipe, you can keep them neat in a muffin tin while you cook.

Use stainless steal to get rid of the smell of garlic.

Garlic and onions make you smelly. No one likes being smelly! And if you do like being smelly, then you should know that no one likes being around you. Although, if you do find someone who likes being around you while you're smelly, hold onto that person like my dad holds onto Chica Reyass and never let go! Meanwhile, the rest of us can just rub stainless steel on out garlic hands to make the smell go away. Why stainless steel erases garlic's aroma is really interesting. Can you believe I'm giving away this priceless food hack for free? 

Put onions in hot water for a few minutes to peel them easier.

Hey now, wait a minute, put a little onion in it! Into hot water that is. Put that onion in hot water like it's Rudy Giuliani trying to defend Trump. That way the onion, like Rudy, will easily come undone. This is one of the most invaluable food hacks because peeling onions is so challenging!

Slice mushrooms with an egg slicer.

Euch, this is one of the best food hacks and I'm kicking myself for not knowing it sooner! But not really because I bruise so easy. I AM A SENSITIVE MAN! It can also be used to slice other foods, like strawberries. My dad has been keeping a lot of strawberries around the house lately because Chica likes them, especially on her ice cream. She also says strawberries bring out the flavor of champagne, which is another food life hack!

Buy soft lemons and cut them horizontally.

I use a lot of lemons! And, apparently, I've been using them like a dumb-dumb. Buy them when they're softer so that they're easier to squeeze and cut them horizontally to get juice out more effectively. Another food life hack is that lemon juice, salt, and pepper are good enough of a dressing for salads that you don't need to use anything else. BLUE CHEESE HAS DEFEATED YOU, BATMAN! 

Test the ripeness of your avocado by removing the stem.

Remove the stem of your potential avocado. If some of the stem is left then you're avocado is just right; if none of the stem is left then your avocado is too ripe. Do this in the store and you'll save yourself a bad purchase! Also, use a potato masher to turn your avocado into guacamole easier. Another life hack: just order or make guac and split a bottle of wine for a romantic dinner! That's something I told my dad to help woo Chica. I'M A REGULAR CYRANO DE BERGERAC!

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