There’s white stuff everywhere. It’s cold. It’s dark.
Yes, we are living in Trump’s Americ—damn it! I promised myself I wasn’t going to make this piece political!
Anyways, it’s WiNtEeErR! The most overrated season ever! I mean, let’s be real, winter sucks.
Sure, on Pinterest it’s all socks and fireplaces and mugs of hot cocoa, but in reality it’s your nose hairs turning into icicles as you try to speed walk from class to class—nonchalantly, of course, because the only thing cooler than this weather is you. ;)
But seriously, we all hype this Satan of a season up with songs of snow and sleigh bells… for what?! Just so we can run away to the nearest beach as soon as Winter break hits? Further proving my point that no one really loves East Coast winters—you just love the *idea* of East Coast winters.
You love the idea of contorting your body whilst wearing knee woolly socks by a fireplace with a mug of toilet water, so you can show your favorite frenemies on Instagram how unbelievably cute and cozy you are! When in reality, your bony ass is throbbing in pain from being perched against that oh so aesthetic hardwood floor. Oh well, Santa’s swooping in with those implants soon!
“Damn Farha, did Santa mistake your ass for a stocking and shove coal up you or something?” you might be thinking. I know, I know, I’m an honorary hashtag hater. But it truly is just because of the weather. I can’t wait to skidaddle on my unicorn’s saddle off to somewhere with more sun and less guns.
Wow, will you look at that, it just got political again, teehee! Anyway, I actually will be in America this break because flights are expensive and I’m saving up for ass implants. (Santa ain’t giving me shit, I’m on the naughty list for robbing Fountain Drinks at McDonalds.)
And I figure that some of you other broke ass bitches are going to be sticking around in this hell hole (well, actually worse—hell is warm). So here are my tips for having an Instagrammable staycation!
Okay, so the first tip I have for you applies if you are trying to take photos of hot cocoa. I’m guessing it’ll take you at least ten minutes to get the perfect shot since you’re incompetent, and those marshmallows will not stick around. They will dissolve. Instead, opt for packing peanuts. They look a lot like marshmallows, and apparently are edible?! Teehee, but don’t blame me if you die—just invite me to your funeral. (It’s the holidays. Help me, a small little brown child, smile.)
My second tip is regarding the art of snowman construction. Listen, the government is probably going to start rationing our water use (damn it, I got political!) so you cannot afford to waste what little water you have on a fake man. That’s what your tears are for. Okay, so I’ve done my research and the cheapest beverage out there is Mott’s apple juice. Don’t get the “Motts for Tots” version though—they add a lot of water in there to make it less sweet, and again, you cannot afford to waste any water. That shit is going to be fucking gold in a few years. Anyway, stick your Mott’s in the freezer and wait for it to turn to ice (watch Frozen in the meantime or something, and then when you return to check on your Mott’s it’ll be frozen and you’ll feel like Elsa). Then make your snowman! It’ll probably look like piss but it’s okay, it’s not, it’s vegan, and you can boast that in your Insta caption.
Lastly, here is my third tip. (I have way more tips, but you’ll have to wait for another article because I’ve finally reached my minimum word count on here, so I’ll cash in on a separate piece for a part 2.) I know that our generation doesn’t really read, except for like 200 word articles—but obviously no one wants to see a photo of you perched by your fireplace with tea in one hand and the coziest piece of literature in your other—a Snapchat article on whether or not Kylie Jenner’s baby is going to have lips or not. No. At least pretend to read a real book. Take a photo of you reading something that makes you seem smart—like a guide to hacking Soduku, or the third Fifty Shades of Grey novel. Or even the yet to be released 2017 adaptation of Shakespeare’s greatest: HamLit.
(Please keep in mind that all of these tips are untested because I really have no f’s to give, and I’m literally only writing this article to cash in on you sheep. But if you do try any of this stuff out and post it to Instagram, please tag me @furhurhur so I can laugh at you. It’s the holidays. Make me, a small brown child, smile.)