You come home from a long day of procrastinating, tired and famished with no motivation to do anything but obsessively watch Friends on Netflix, sadly engrossed in their lives to the point where you believe that you are one of the fictional gang.
The only other essential element required for you five hours of recovery from the total of five minutes work you did that day: Dinner.
The task almost seems to be too much.
Opening the fridge, a sad avocado looks up at you from the bottom shelf—a decaying reminder of the time you tried to be healthy and failed miserably. Apart from that, some out-of-date yoghurt, and other risky food items, there is nothing you can scrap together to suffice for a meal. The freezer holds promise... until you realise everything in it requires 40 minutes cooking time in the oven and then you decide the best solution is to just persistently bash your head off a cupboard door.
My friend, I am here to help you.
After suffering chronic laziness for 18 years, I have become a master at combating having to exert unnecessary effort into anything- even feeding myself. So here, I gift you with my finest recipes, which cost next- to- nothing and you can bang together in under four minutes.
I recommend you alert the fire brigade and have them on standby before commencing in your attempt to use a kitchen.
From the freezer:
Salmon, Noodles, Kale, and Green Beans
It is as simple, healthy, and yummy as it sounds. You can find salmon fillets which are frozen in bags which can be microwaved & cooked in four minutes flat. In that time, throw on your veggies and a noodle nest into a pan of boiling water. Kabam, four minutes to being swole.
Fish Fingers, Potato Waffles, and Sweetcorn
Birds Eye, I love you. Now, there is a cheat to this because I know you are probably thinking, potato waffles? Fish Fingers? Don't they take, like, twelve minutes to cook?
Think again, suckers. The magical thing which we call a toaster—whack in the fish fingers and potato waffles from frozen and stick it on the defrost setting. Once it pops, hit it down again but just on the normal setting. Once that's setting off your fire alarms, throw on some sweetcorn to kick scurvy in the butt.
From the fridge:
Beat up some eggs with a lil' milk and throw it in the pan. When it's almost ready, add toppings, like cheese, ham or whatever. Easy.
Eggs and Beans on Toast
It's just so darn good, and very self-explanatory.
Hey, this can also be done with frozen veggies—either works fine. Slap some olive oil in a wok and then just throw in your desired rabbit food. I love adding a few nuts, some sauces, or noodles if I'm feeling particularly hungry.
From the cupboard:
Throw some of that microwaveable pre-cooked rice into the microwave for two minutes, some veggies too if you want and then flap out your tortilla wrap. You are welcome.
If I could marry a food, it would be a toasty. They can be healthy, but also the greatest of comfort foods. Fill it with whatever you fancy: Beans, eggs, a block of cheese, Mars Bars. It all works, and it all tastes too good to be true.
Chicken, Couscous, and Broccoli
Get your precooked chicken and microwave it, or fry it up from raw—either way, it can be done in four minutes. Throw boiling water into couscous and rev up the heat on the pan and you can cook it in double the time the packaging says. The broccoli can be added too.
Because why not? Serve with a side salad of your sister's hamster. Heck, just eat your sister too.
Four minutes is usually enough, but it depends on the spud. I fell into the trap of "cook for forty minutes in the oven" and oh my goodness, now that I think of it, it has made me waste so much time starving with my face pressed against the oven glass as the minutes trickled by. Dude, stab it a few times and chuck it in the microwave. Voila, it takes basically no time at all. Throw in some canned tuna or beans etc.
If Worse Comes to Worst
GET YOURSELF TO THE NEAREST BUFFET. The food is already cooked and waiting for you—no cooking time necessary.
Well, I hope that this helps you to be more efficiently lazy, like myself. Good luck, and bon appetite.