Worst Life Hacks That You Should Never Try

Don't bother with these tricks if you wanna keep your pants intact and your eyeglasses on straight. They're the worst life hacks that you should never try!

We all know some life hacks to simplify things. Or at least they're supposed to. But sometimes things end up in the culture that just aren't true, like how it's easier to make a grilled cheese in a sideways toaster (it's not) or how you can make easy-peasy pancakes by putting the batter in a ketchup bottle (you can't). So, here's a list of some of the worst life hacks you should never try because they're just plain silly!

Don't pee on jellyfish stings.

If you're in North America you're unlikely to be stung by the type of jellyfish that requires immediate medical attention. Instead, the pain will be most severe the first five minutes and then dissipate over the next 24 hours. If it really hurts, you can put something like Orajel on the sting site. Definitely do not urinate where you were stung; that's one of the worst lifehacks you should never try. 

When you get stung by a jellyfish what happens is that these little parts of it called nematocysts are left on your skin and they're where the venom comes out of. Going pee-pee on nematocysts just risks releasing more venom. Instead, rinse the affected area with salt water. Interestingly enough, freshwater can also release more venom because it will change the amount of salt inside and outside of the nematocyst. 

Don't put your batteries in the freezer.

Somehow people came to believe that if you put batteries in the freezer that they'll last longer. As if batteries were slices of cake or raw meat. Don't do it! Batteries in the freezer are one of the worst lifehacks you should never try. Get those double As out of the freezer because you could be ruining them. 

Don't try to get high off nut meg.

Oh, I guess this is a life hack too. Sure, you can go on a magical mystery tour if you down an entire thing of nutmeg, but why would you want to do that? You can tell it's a bad idea based on how few people have told you about the great experience they had nutmegging. That's because nutmegging isn't a thing! 

You may feel disconnected from reality or experience visual hallucinations, but you might also get real hostile and have a panic attack. Who wants to be angry while feeling like they might die?! Have you ever experienced the sort of shortness of breath that comes with severe anxiety? It feels like you can't get enough air no matter how many breaths you take. That's also how someone would describe struggling not to drown. You're going to need at least 5 ways to calm a panic attack to make it through! So don't do it! Nutmegging is one of the worst life hacks you should never try. 

Do not butt chug!

Wait, I have to warn you about this? What happened to telling you not to pee on jelly fish stings. Yeash! Butt chugging, more technically known as an alcohol enema, is when you pour alcohol directly into the colon using a funnel or a tampon soaked in alcohol. And it's definitely  one of the worst life hacks you should never try because the booze math just doesn't add up like it does when you're drinking through your butt mouth.

You get drunker faster because the alcohol goes straight into the bloodstream, and that's not good! The stomach has an enzyme in it called alcohol dehydrogenase that makes ethanol easier for the body to handle, but if you bypass the stomach the liver can get overrun by rum. This is where the danger lies. There have been isolated incidents of death due to butt chugging. And you're also more likely to end up sick because all the mechanisms of purging the body of booze– like throwing up– have been bypassed. 

Do not ferment your poop and then sniff it!

Seriously?! WHO IS DOING JENKEM?! That's a specific I'd throw into an improv scene to get a laugh from one person in the back of the audience. You wanna know what Jenkem is? Get your pee-pee and your poo-poo, and that of your friends and family; put it into a bucket;  cover the bucket; and then let the bucket rest in the sun for a week. Voila! Jenkem. When you take a big breath of the gasses in the bucket you'll basically trigger hypoxia, a lack of oxygen to the body that can lead to both euphoria and bodily harm. You know, because you need air to breath! Don't even both with jenkem; it's one of the worst life hacks you should never try.

Stop using microwaves to warm up your pizza.

Thank you, yes! Some people think if you put a cup of water in the microwave with your pizza that that's a good way to re-heat it. It's not. The pizza will get all soggy and you'll burn your tongue on the cheese. Definitely one of the worst life hacks you should never try! Haha! Feels good to say that when it's not about butt chugging or getting high off poop. Just use a skillet to warm up your pizza! The bottom will be crispy, and then you can throw a few drops of water onto the pan to help get the cheese all gooey and nice.

Don't drink hand sanitizer.

Nooooo! Stop doing dumb stuff! Do not drink hand sanitizer. "Why would I drink hand sanitizer? It's not like I can get drunk from it." Yes, you can! Hand sanitizer has more alcohol in it than even most hard liquors. "OMG I'M GOING TO GO DRINK IT NOW!" No! Stop it.  In 2016 alone there were 19,729 calls to poison control alone because someone was drinking Purell. It's a very bad idea. Like butt chugging, drinking hand sanitizer is one of the worst life hacks you should never try. I can't believe I even have to warn you about this. 

Don't try to cure a hang over by drinking more.

DO NOT TRY TO CURE YOUR HAND SANITIZER HANGOVER BY DRINKING MORE HAND SANITIZER! This doesn't work for any type of alcohol and it definitely will not work for Purell. You know what works? Moderation. Maybe some Pedialyte the morning after because it's low in sugar and high in electrolytes. And a glass of water for ever drink you take while you drink? That just makes your tum too full to drink more. So, don't bother with more booze the morning after; it's one of the worst life hacks you should never try.

Stop getting high off Morning Glory seeds!

"Weeeeeeeeelllll what's the story, morning glory? You need just a few seeds to get high!" Wait, I know that Oasis song and that's not how it goes at all. "Oh, sorry, I'm drunk on hand sanitizer, and those are just directions on how to get high off morning glory seeds you can buy at Home Depot." Euch, I feel like I've failed you as a writer by not keeping you from going down this path, but, at the same time, you're your own person! I can only inform you. And inform you I will!

Morning glory seeds from Home Depot are a good proxy for LSD (until you vomit). Throwing up is just  your body tries to get those seeds out of you! Don't do this. Put down those seeds! Eating them would be one of the worst life hacks you should never try. 

You can't cut cherry tomatoes better by holding them between two lids.

Well, no, why would this work? You're just going to squish those tomatoes. Also, they are already small! Why would you need to make them smaller? That's silly. You're silly! It's definitely one of the worst life hacks you should never try. It makes more sense to drink Purell. Noooooooooo! 

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